thecosmicdance (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} thecosmicdance) wrote,@ 2009-01-16 15:51:00 |
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I figured I should start up the Bible readings again. After all, I have absolutely NO excuse for not doing it now.
So here are some amusing out of context quotes I found when going through the previous entries
Salty was a children's cartoon character who was personified as a giant blue shaker of salt. Sort of like Gumby but Christian and musical.
Oh yes, they have a corrupt king and some Roman overlords now. A lot of time has passed since Malachi, which we often forget because it looks like just two pages.
People didn't wear underwear. No, Jesus didn't wear underwear either
When do we ever see the Biblical David paying attention to social taboos?
was supposed to write up my notes on Judges. I started, but got distracted with the other projects, and when I returned to Judges, I discovered it was just- my brain kept trying to shut down, screaming " I don't want to do this. I don't wanna do this. I donwannadothis!" So I didn't do it.
They go ahead and appoint Saul after a whole complicated story I only skimmed.
Wow. This book is getting a bit scary. Way to ram home the point, high priest guy pretending this is written by Moses.
The king must not have too much gold or take too many wives. First off, didn't they only have a judge at this point? What's with the king talk? Or is Mr. Document Forger forgetting that he's supposed to stay in character?
The boundary of the land God promises to his people seems to be expanding, while the criteria of who is considered a true Israelite seems to be shrinking.
They find a well and sing about it.
I think that Westerners especially see these stories as not being real, so when you use rhetoric like that you're not really talking about people who really exist. I mean, after all, Canaanites don't exist anymore, they magically walked off the face of the earth one day in BCE to be replaced by people who apparently came down off some kind of spaceship?
Don't have wars or murders on God's land or we'll have to kill you.
Who signs up for a Bible study and then gets annoyed because there aren't enough pagans? It's a Bible study. What would you expect the majority of people to be? In fact there are plenty of pagans, they just don't feel like going around shouting "look at meeee, I'm a pagan!"
God comes down and yells at everyone again. Then God says that because the people in the other countries have not been good, he'll strike them down and make Israel a great nation. And Moses says "that'll show the Egyptians."
But then the people begin to worry that God doesn't really mean it, maybe God brought them out here to kill them where there'd be no witnesses.
In 15:38, there's some puzzling fashion advice from God.
they performed the ritual without taking proper fire safety precautions.
"You sure you don't want ham?"
"I'm sure."
"She's a vegetarian."
"I'm not a vegetarian, I just don't eat pork!"
"She's Jewish."
"I'm not Jewish, I just don't want any ham! I don't eat pig! Pig I do not eat! No pig. Not ham, not pork, not sausages, not bacon. No. Frigging. PORK!"
"There's no need to lose your temper."
Instructions for curing a person
Two birds.
Scarlet yarn
Hyssop
Cedar wood.
Kill one bird over fresh water. Dip the live bird, together with the yarn, wood and hyssop in the blood of the dead bird. Sprinkle it over person seven times. Release the live bird.
Someone asked a question that it had never occurred to me ask… what makes anyone think the angels who visited Sodom and were almost raped, appeared to the Sodomites as men?
Shaddai means, depending on the motives of the translator, either mountains, breasts or destruction.
"I am he who is, " says God. Some versions have him saying, "I am that is" or "I am who I am" (apparently God is Popeye.)
The NIV says God was "concerned" about the situation with the Hebrews. CONCERNED? God was only concerned? That seems inconsistent for a deity prone to flying off the handle over little things.
You know how in Genesis everyone's complaining about the Hittites all the time? In reading "The Egyptian" it's easier to understand why Everyone Hates the Hittites. At least according to that book, they seem a bit like land bound Vikings, but without the charm and sophistication and respect for other people's property.
God says "your descendants will be like the dust of the earth."
Which means they'll be everywhere and indispensable, but also that people will treat them like dirt.
BTW, Spellcheck insists that it's "Dreamboat" not "dreamcoat"
Don't eat your meat raw? That's very sensible advice. Thank you, God.
The message might not be "gay people are evil" but "don't rape people, especially not angels".
as an ethnic identifier it leaves a lot to be desired. Sometimes I think God is making Abraham do all these things just to see how far Abraham will go for him.
I'm starting to wonder if God isn't just making this up as he goes along. He wanted Abraham to have a child to begin the ascendance of the nation of Israel, but he wasn't sure it would work so he created a backup baby in Ishmael and then had to fob him off on someone else? "You are my Chosen People. And you're my Backup Chosen People."
The message that comes across is that God didn't like Cain's vegetables, vegetables are not as good as meat and God wants blood sacrifices. Blood! BLOOD! Muhaahahahaa.
So here are some amusing out of context quotes I found when going through the previous entries
Salty was a children's cartoon character who was personified as a giant blue shaker of salt. Sort of like Gumby but Christian and musical.
Oh yes, they have a corrupt king and some Roman overlords now. A lot of time has passed since Malachi, which we often forget because it looks like just two pages.
People didn't wear underwear. No, Jesus didn't wear underwear either
When do we ever see the Biblical David paying attention to social taboos?
was supposed to write up my notes on Judges. I started, but got distracted with the other projects, and when I returned to Judges, I discovered it was just- my brain kept trying to shut down, screaming " I don't want to do this. I don't wanna do this. I donwannadothis!" So I didn't do it.
They go ahead and appoint Saul after a whole complicated story I only skimmed.
Wow. This book is getting a bit scary. Way to ram home the point, high priest guy pretending this is written by Moses.
The king must not have too much gold or take too many wives. First off, didn't they only have a judge at this point? What's with the king talk? Or is Mr. Document Forger forgetting that he's supposed to stay in character?
The boundary of the land God promises to his people seems to be expanding, while the criteria of who is considered a true Israelite seems to be shrinking.
They find a well and sing about it.
I think that Westerners especially see these stories as not being real, so when you use rhetoric like that you're not really talking about people who really exist. I mean, after all, Canaanites don't exist anymore, they magically walked off the face of the earth one day in BCE to be replaced by people who apparently came down off some kind of spaceship?
Don't have wars or murders on God's land or we'll have to kill you.
Who signs up for a Bible study and then gets annoyed because there aren't enough pagans? It's a Bible study. What would you expect the majority of people to be? In fact there are plenty of pagans, they just don't feel like going around shouting "look at meeee, I'm a pagan!"
God comes down and yells at everyone again. Then God says that because the people in the other countries have not been good, he'll strike them down and make Israel a great nation. And Moses says "that'll show the Egyptians."
But then the people begin to worry that God doesn't really mean it, maybe God brought them out here to kill them where there'd be no witnesses.
In 15:38, there's some puzzling fashion advice from God.
they performed the ritual without taking proper fire safety precautions.
"You sure you don't want ham?"
"I'm sure."
"She's a vegetarian."
"I'm not a vegetarian, I just don't eat pork!"
"She's Jewish."
"I'm not Jewish, I just don't want any ham! I don't eat pig! Pig I do not eat! No pig. Not ham, not pork, not sausages, not bacon. No. Frigging. PORK!"
"There's no need to lose your temper."
Instructions for curing a person
Two birds.
Scarlet yarn
Hyssop
Cedar wood.
Kill one bird over fresh water. Dip the live bird, together with the yarn, wood and hyssop in the blood of the dead bird. Sprinkle it over person seven times. Release the live bird.
Someone asked a question that it had never occurred to me ask… what makes anyone think the angels who visited Sodom and were almost raped, appeared to the Sodomites as men?
Shaddai means, depending on the motives of the translator, either mountains, breasts or destruction.
"I am he who is, " says God. Some versions have him saying, "I am that is" or "I am who I am" (apparently God is Popeye.)
The NIV says God was "concerned" about the situation with the Hebrews. CONCERNED? God was only concerned? That seems inconsistent for a deity prone to flying off the handle over little things.
You know how in Genesis everyone's complaining about the Hittites all the time? In reading "The Egyptian" it's easier to understand why Everyone Hates the Hittites. At least according to that book, they seem a bit like land bound Vikings, but without the charm and sophistication and respect for other people's property.
God says "your descendants will be like the dust of the earth."
Which means they'll be everywhere and indispensable, but also that people will treat them like dirt.
BTW, Spellcheck insists that it's "Dreamboat" not "dreamcoat"
Don't eat your meat raw? That's very sensible advice. Thank you, God.
The message might not be "gay people are evil" but "don't rape people, especially not angels".
as an ethnic identifier it leaves a lot to be desired. Sometimes I think God is making Abraham do all these things just to see how far Abraham will go for him.
I'm starting to wonder if God isn't just making this up as he goes along. He wanted Abraham to have a child to begin the ascendance of the nation of Israel, but he wasn't sure it would work so he created a backup baby in Ishmael and then had to fob him off on someone else? "You are my Chosen People. And you're my Backup Chosen People."
The message that comes across is that God didn't like Cain's vegetables, vegetables are not as good as meat and God wants blood sacrifices. Blood! BLOOD! Muhaahahahaa.